Sometimes I stay up late at night; well past when my son falls asleep; and the insomnia won’t go away…the thoughts they creep in like an unexplainable evil….and truth be told: I’m Angry.
I’m Angry, for the wasted energy. I’m Angry, for the wasted time. I’m Angry, for literally putting my all into a family that would never work out. I’m Angry, for thinking I was important when I was always second string. I’m Angry, for believing the lies. I’m Angry, for trusting. I’m Angry, for getting caught up in the pain. I’m Angry, for letting myself go because the pain is so great. I’m Angry, for having hope. I’m Angry for losing hope. I’m Angry, for having faith. I’m Angry for losing faith. I’m Angry, for thinking it was love. I’m Angry, that for a second I was almost tricked into believing love wasn’t real. I’m Angry, because I was left alone to struggle, to cry, to hurt. I’m Angry, because one day I’m going to have to explain it to my son. And I’m Angry, because he doesn’t deserve it……
They say the most important thing is to forgive…forgive the person who brought you pain…forgive yourself especially.
And I promise I am trying with as much as I can muster; and one day forgiveness will come…but…for now…I’m Angry.
And maybe, just maybe being Angry (for now) is not the worst thing…it is not a harsh, vindictive anger; but rather one that allows me to realize, analyze, and never make the same mistake again…
I will redirect the Anger to:
-I will finish my degree ON TIME!
-I will work my butt off; what ever hours it takes; in order to provide for my son; to give him everything he needs…and so much more.
-I will protect my child; at all costs; for the entirety of his life; for whatever is best for him.
-I will be strong; for my son; because I have already felt pain; and now pain is nothing.
-I will raise my son to be a million times the man; a gentleman; a husband; a daddy.
*And above all; I will show my son the true meaning of love: pure; unconditional; beautiful; LOVE💕💙