There is something so euphoric. An unexplainable feeling in releasing the past; never looking back. I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am not sad. Matter of fact, I feel little to nothing. And that’s okay. To be honest, its perfect.
It is empowering.
And here’s why:
Never. Never again will I fall for the lies. Never again will I turn a blind eye to the deceit.
How amazing is the feeling to ‘delete the past’ knowing it wasn’t real. Knowing in the depths of my heart that all of it was fake…and being OKAY with that.
You see, I forgave myself….I don’t feel the need to forgive the perpetrator, all that matters is how iiiii feel….I’m so done putting others first, and that is an amazing feeling! My son is the only one who comes first. My son and I will no longer be second to anyone or anything. And knowing this is a rush of elation….You see, my whole life I’ve put others first, which is fine to a certain extent; but when evil creeps in, it preys upon those who are willing to put it first. It takes advantage of those who it perceives as “weak”. A false presumption, yes, but evil is manipulative. It knows how to play the game.
But like I said; I forgave myself. I forgave myself for being stupid, for being blind, for having faith in someone nobody else had faith in (and for good reason). I forgive myself for millions of ‘second chances’. I forgive myself for wasting my time, my money, my energy, my love; on someone who wasn’t willing to do the same. I forgive myself for making excuses…for him…when he ran out of excuses for himself. I forgive myself for for putting myself second; for caring more about another person; and for thinking of them first….More importantly, I forgive myself for choosing someone who wasn’t going to stick around. I forgive myself for tricking my mind into thinking it was forever. Because finally, I forgive myself, for not giving my son the father he deserves…Because truly, that is not on me. I realized that I could not control what happened, but that me and my son can heal. My son doesn’t NEED anyone else. We are making it just fine. And I can raise him to be a MAN without a “man”.
Lion Baby loves to look at this set of pictures we have hanging on the wall…Underneath the word “Family” are pictures of my parents, my sisters and their husbands, my brother, and myself. For some reason the fierce little lion can’t keep his eyes off of these, he smiles, I tell him over and over “That is your FAMILY”, and he smiles even bigger…..I forgive myself for not giving my son the “family” I thought he should have (thought he would have) and I realize that my son HAS a family. And this FAMILY LOVES him. This family CARES for him. This family would do ANYTHING for him. This family will NEVER ABANDON him. My son is blessed with a true FAMILY that will always be there for him….And that is a beautiful feeling. For that; I am able to forgive myself for not giving my son the “father” I thought he needed, because it was replaced with a MOTHER who would die for him; a MOTHER that grew stronger than ever before because in the depth of the darkness, she refused to give up.
Here’s the point. The past never completely disappears, no; but there is something so beautiful in stepping forward, in forgiving yourself, and knowing that the future is brighter than ever before. I am fighting daily to give my son the best life he deserves. I go to school, I go to work, and I am a single mom. To put it bluntly; I’m exhausted. But the opportunities are pouring in. The BLESSINGS are raining down. And Lion baby is fighting more fiercely than I could have ever imagined. He’s already defied the odds in so many ways, and I know he will continue to do so; for the rest of his life. And I will ALWAYS be standing by his side, his biggest fan, his biggest supporter, his strength when he needs it. His UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. The LOVE of a PARENT.